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Let It Burn

Whose Line is it Kenshinyway?

Kenshin: "Hello and welcome to 'Whose Line is it Kenshinyway?'! I'm your host Himura Kenshin."
The audience applauds as Kenshin makes his way down the stairs and into his seat.
Kenshin: "Thank you, thank you. It's great to be here."
Saitou: "Tsch. Easy for you to say, Battousai."
Kenshin: "Eh heh heh... Anyway, we got a great show for you tonight because of our four fine improvisers on stage right now. From left to right, we have my trusty heater, Shishio Makoto, the best hair dye specialist in the world, Yukishiro Enishi, the human punching bag, Sagara Sanosuke, and a man who makes being left-handed ever so neat, Saitou Hajime."
Shishio: "Damn you, Battousai. You always introduce me in such a ridiculous fashion. Why don't you just call me your superior like you should and we'll call it even? Or do I have to tell that woman of yours that you're having an affair with Yumi again, eh?"
Kenshin: "Shishio-san, please..."
Shishio: "Say it!"
Kenshin: "Let's get started - "
Shishio: "Argh! I hate you! You sent me to Hell and this is my punishment, huh? I have to participate in your ridiculous game show just so that you can start rolling in the dough. Well, I'll tell you something, Battousai. I defeated Enma! Did you hear me?!"
Sano: "Put a sock in it, mummy man."
Saitou: "Shut up both of you... My wife is expecting me to be home promptly... She's making dinner."
Sanosuke: "Ooh. Saitou's got a hot date?! That's unbelievable."
Saitou: "Well, I am married, something you'll never be."
Sano: "Oh yeah? Just wait! Just wait, Saitou! I'll find someone even better than your wife. Not only will she cook me the finest of meals, but she'll even pay off my entire tab at the Akabeko!"
Saitou: "Impossible. That tab couldn't be paid off even if the Emperor himself helped you."
Sano: "What did you say?!"
Enishi: "SHUT UP!!"
Silence falls upon the entire set.
Kenshin: "Um, as I was saying... You know the rules. We'll play a few games, award a few points to whoever, and that's about it. Let's get started before something bad happens, OK?"

Game #1: Talk Show

Kenshin: "The first game we'll play is 'Talk Show.' It's for everyone, so get onto the stage, please. These four men will have to act as if they are on a talk show. Does anyone have some suggestions about what this talk show will be about?"
The audience shouts out their suggestions. Meanwhile, Enishi grabs a microphone as Sanosuke sits down in a chair nearby. Shishio wanders up into the audience and Saitou walks backstage.
Kenshin: "Break ups? Heh, that sounds like it'll make an interesting subject. OK, so Enishi is the host of this talk show and the subject will be about break ups. Take it away, guys."

Enishi: "Welcome back. Today, we were talking with Mr. Sano here about his recent break up with his girlfriend. Mr. Sano, what number was this?"
Sano: "What do you mean what number was this?"
Enishi: "Why, haven't you suffered such a loss many a time?"
Sano: "Oh. That number. Hmm... I think this is number one-hundred and seventy-six."
Enishi: "My, I'm surprised you can even count that high. So, what was the key to this split between you and... What was your girlfriend's name?"
Sano: "Um... Kaoru."
Kenshin: "Oro..."
Enishi: "Yes, Kaoru... I will kill her... I mean, so why did you two break up?"
Sano: "It's a long story. I mean, we were fine at first... We always saw each other everyday and she used to send me messages by pigeon saying all of that mushy kind of stuff. Honestly Maury, I don't know why we even broke up."
Enishi: "Maury? Who is Maury?"
Sano: "You, stupid."
Enishi: "..."
Sano: "Anyway, I think she said something about wanting some free space. Psh, I don't know what she meant by that. Whatever."
Sano crosses his arms and legs and looks away from the camera.
Enishi: "Well Mr. Sano, you'll find out the reason why you two split right now because Ms. Kaoru is in the back right now. Ms Kaoru, if you would?"
Saitou comes walking out from the backstage. The audience begins to clap and whistle wildly as Saitou grabs his seat and moves it really far away from Sano.
Enishi: "Ms. Kaoru, please, answer me this. Do you still love this man?"
Saitou: "No. I never did."
Sano gasps.
Sano: "What?! You told me you did! You even wrote it in pigeon poop that you did! Liar!"
Saitou: "Sano, I loved... your money."
Sano: "What money?"
Saitou: "Your money. You always had a lot of cash stuffed under your futon."
Sano: "I did?"
Saitou: "Err... Yes, you did."
Sano: "I don't remember even having money in the first place. Odd..."
Enishi: "That is quite odd, indeed. Wait a minute! Ms. Kaoru, when and where did you even take this money?"
Saitou: "I swear, it was right under Sano's futon."
Sano: "Wait! I don't even own a futon. I sleep on grass."
Saitou: "Then..."
Enishi: "Then Ms. Kaoru was sleeping with - another man!"
The audience gasps.
Sano: "You..."
Sano gets up and begins assaulting Saitou.
Saitou: "Help! Help! Spousal abuse!"
Enishi quickly breaks the two up. The audience is wild until Shishio stands up from the crowd.
Shishio: "Kaoru was sleeping with me!"
Sano: "And who the hell are you?!"
Shishio: "I am just a mere rurouni, that I am."
Kenshin quickly hits the buzzer to signal the end of the game.

Game #2: Random Scene

Kenshin: "I'm sorry, but I just had to save myself from the embarrassment of the last game."
Saitou: "Tsch. Battousai, I had to be a woman that round. A woman!"
Sano: "Serves you right, ugly."
Saitou: "Shut your mouth, you chicken."
Kenshin: "The next game is 'Random Scene'. This is for everyone and the scene chosen will have to be a reenactment from everyone's favorite show, which is..."
Sano: "Ranma?"
A melon comes flying from the right side of the stage, beaming Sano in the head.
Kenshin: "I don't want to be sounding boastful or anything, but it's from Rurouni Kenshin."
Sano: "Oh, right... I knew that. Heh heh."
Saitou: "... Moron."
Kenshin: "Now... I'm afraid of this, but Shishio will be playing my part while Enishi will be playing Shishio. This will be a reenactment of the classic battle between myself and Shishio-san from the series."
Sano: "What about me and ugly here?"
Kenshin: "Oh, you two can be the irritating commentators on the side who have to elaborate about every little thing."
Enishi: "every little thing? They never sang a song for the series!"
Kenshin: "Stop taking everything so literally!"

Shishio: "Shishio, you bastard. I will kill you by turning around my Sakabatou and taking off your head. Screw my oath not to kill. I will kill you and turn back into the hitokiri, then, I will rule the world!"
Enishi: "Wait! Before you do so, Battousai, I would like to know one thing."
Shishio: "And that is?"
Enishi: "I bit you once before. Your flesh was sweet, but not really something I could enjoy everyday for dinner. However, I just wanted to know, what would I taste like if you bit me? Would I taste like chicken?"
Shishio: "Why don't you try biting yourself? That is, if I give you time to live!"
Saitou: "This is going to turn into a fight with mouths, literally."
Sano: "Go Shishio-sama, ra ra ra."
Shishio gets into a Battou Jutsu stance.
Saitou: "He's... in position! Battou Jutsu!"
Enishi: "No matter what you do, Battousai, your attacks are futile against my superior skills! Ahahaha!"
Sano: "Shishio-sama is going to use it!"
Saitou: "Use what?"
Sano shrugs. Saitou falls over.
Shishio: "Let's see you dodge this!"
Shishio draws his sword and thrusts it forward in a rather slow fashion.
Shishio: "Kuzu Ryu Sen!"
Enishi gets hit by the blows, then falls off the stage.
Shishio: "At least, I will rule the world!"
Saitou: "I never knew Battousai had such devilish ambitions."
Sano: "I wonder if Shishio-sama will get up? I really wonder..."
Enishi crawls back onto the stage. What's noticeable is a really evil look in his eyes.
Enishi: "Battousai!!!"
Enishi charges forward and attacks Shishio head on. With both of their swords drawn, they clash with each other until they are locked in a duel right in center stage.
Shishio: "Surrender, so I can rule the world and make everyone into mindless drones that say "Oro?" all day long!"
Enishi: "Never! Not until you answer my question if I taste like chicken or not!"

Game #3: Alphabet

Kenshin: "The next game is just for Shishio and Saitou entitled 'Alphabet.' What they have to do is start off from a certain letter and continue the next sentence starting with the next letter of the alphabet that follows. So, let's begin with the letter 'B.' Remember now, you have to start with the letter 'B' and end with the letter 'B.' Oh, did I forget to mention that you have to do this all in two minutes or else you lose your points?"
Saitou: "I don't even remember receiving any points at all!"
Kenshin: "Oh yeah. Um, I forgot about them."
Sano: "We all did."
Enishi: "Yeah, who cares about them. They're just something there to make this seem like this is an actual game show when in reality we're all just reading from the cue cards in front of us, nicely hidden away from the camera's view so that the people who are watching this at home don't realize that none of this is actually made up from the top of our heads."
Kenshin: "Enishi, even if you are my brother-in-law, before you try to kill me again, let me let you in on a little secret of mine's..."
Sano whispers into Enishi's ear.
Sano: "Kenshin can't read... None of us can... Well, except Saitou."
Kenshin: "When I was with Tomoe, she said that you couldn't read."
Enishi: "Shut up, all of you! I know Chinese. Just go on with the game! Hrmph..."
Shishio: "Hey, white hair... I know kung-fu."
Enishi: "Hey, bandages, so do I."
Shishio: "OK, I was lying... I'm kind of scared now."

Saitou: "Boy, it's a hot day today."
Shishio: "Couldn't agree any further."
Saitou: "Don't you have anything else to say?"
Shishio: "Err... No?"
Saitou: "Face it, you're just horrible."
Shishio: "Glad you noticed."
Saitou: "Heh."
Shishio: "I can't believe you just said that."
Saitou: "Just testing your skills."
Shishio: "Kangaroos are smarter than you."
Saitou: "Llamas are smarter than you."
Shishio: "My steel plate has more brain cells than you."
Saitou: "No way."
Shishio: "Oh, but it's true."
Saitou: "Please..."
Shishio: "Quiet, I'm talking."
Saitou: "Right now?"
Shishio: "Shut up."
Saitou: "Try and make me."
Shishio: "Um, OK."
Saitou: "Very weak comeback."
Shishio: "What did you say?!"
: "Xena is hot."
Shishio: "You think so too?!"
Saitou: "Zero Shiki to you!"
Shishio: "Ah hah. Too bad you can't hit me."
Saitou: "Blasphemy!"

Game #4: Hoedown

Kenshin: "Well, we somehow managed to survive up until the very end of the game. You know, a very good point was brought up about points. Who cares about them anyway?! So, just for tonight, the hoedown will feature five players."
Sano and Saitou groan.
Sano: "I wanted to sit out on this one! Come on, Kenshin! Just this once?"
Kenshin: "Oro..."
Enishi: "You jerk. If I'm in it, you're in it too. Got that?!"
Enishi glares directly into Sano's eyes.
Sano: "Err... Nevermind, guess I'm in!"
Kenshin: "OK, we need something to talk about here."
The audience shouts out their suggestions.
Kenshin: "No... We did an Oro Hoedown once before. Hmm? What was that? A Saitou Hoedown?! That sounds great. Hit it, Tsubame!"
Saitou rolls his eyes as Tsubame begins to play the familiar piano theme.

"There's someone always trying to kill little old me"
- "He happened to be part of the Shinsen Gumi"
- "Now he's part of 'Whose Line is it Kenshinyway?'"
- "Sitting here forever, receiving no pay"

"I know of a Miburo pest from the past"
- "Thinking about him gives me a rash"
- "Oh, well, I beat him, what more can I say"
- "Except I'd take his wife and have my own way"

"I almost went to jail for good because of this man"
- "Sometimes I wonder why some women are his fans"
- "He looks like a dog and smokes quite a bit"
- "I wonder what'll happen if I tell him to "sit"

- "Saitou is a jerk who's just a pain in my rear"
- "Everytime I'm next to him, I have something to fear"
- "Maybe it's his looks or even better yet"
- "It must really be his halitosis breath"

- "How can you speak so low of a great man like me"
- "I'm better than Battousai multiplied by three"
- "The same goes for you other fools"
- "With my Gatotsu, I'd slaughter you"

Kenshin: "Why did we put Saitou last in a hoedown about himself?"
Saitou: "Because I'm always last! Hey, you know what, Battousai? Maybe we should start talking about changing the name of the show to something like, 'Whose Line is it Saitouway?'!
Enishi: "That just sounds really stupid."
Shishio: "Agreed."
Saitou: "Kenshinyway?! What does that even mean?!"
Sano: "I think that whole hoedown really brought out the egomaniac in Saitou."
Kenshin: "Mm hmm... Saitou was never like this before; he was always so modest."
Saitou: "That's it!"
Saitou takes out his katana and begins demolishing the stage.
Saitou: "If this show's name isn't changed by the next episode, I'm going to tear the whole place apart!"
Shishio: "Is somebody talking about destruction?!"
Shishio takes out his sword and lights the chairs on fire with his Homura Dama technique.
Kenshin: "Um, thanks for joining us, and good night everyone!"
The camera fades out as Kenshin and Sano try to restrain Shishio and Saitou. As for Enishi, he takes a seat in Kenshin's chair and puts his feet up on the desk, watching in amusement what's taking place before him.